Help for the Horny
horn·y (hôrn) adj. horn·i·er, horn·i·est Vulgar Slang. Desirous of sexual activity. Sexually aroused.
It was a peaceful morning on Park City’s Main Street. The only identifiable sound was the dragging of the vomit-filled trashcans from O’Shucks. I sighed and smiled, savoring the quiet. Then it came. The deafening roar of a Cummins diesel, 6-cylinder, 24-valve, high output, fuel injected, one-ton, dually, pink, monster… VIBRATOR? Could this be true? Yes, one of my best girlfriends was cruising past Harry O’s on the ride of her life. This was not subtle. It was however, necessary. Women and men in this town are turning to drastic measures to fulfill their sexual needs. I can only hope the driver of this daemon vibrator has the skills to put on the brakes.
Seriously, those lost souls looking for love in all the wrong places are beginning to hit the wall. Drastic situations call for drastic measures. “I don’t even want to play with myself because I’m not getting any, and I don’t want to become a complete masturbator,” confessed Jill. “If I start relying on myself, I may never leave my own bed.”
Another friend told me she can’t seem to keep her hands out of her pants at work. “Nothing else is going on down there, so I might as well have my own hands in the area,” she reasoned. Fair enough. Park City locals say when they haven’t been laid in weeks they experience an abundance of energy that seems to have no outlet. “I have sex dreams every night and don’t want to wake up in the mornings, because I want to finish what I’ve started,” said a guy I can’t name for obvious reasons.
CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT –
being lost in the desert, collecting cobwebs, becoming a born again virgin, a misdemeanor (the more you miss it, the meaner you get), pent up, backed up… ready to blow.
WHY THE EPIDEMIC?
After extensive, made-up research, Sky has decided this is happening because of the wild, busy season upon us in a resort town about to host the Olympics. First there were the holidays, then Sundance, and now the fucking Games. No one has the time or energy to go out and lasso a lover. “People are always horny,” said Mike. “I’ve been horny, but I’ve been working so much, I just don’t have time to hook up with all the horny women.” Sad but true.
OPTIONS FOR RELIEF IMPORT:
Yes, you too can call up that old flame and have them drop by for a visit. Suggest your ex takes a long weekend away from Idaho to visit you in lovely Park City. Or you can blow your frequent flyer miles getting that hot Italian to come visit during the Games. Just make sure the rules are laid out in black and white. You don’t want a relationship, and they better put out as soon as they put their rucksack down in your lair.
I actually know no one who will admit to doing this, but with the influx of prostitutes expected during the Games, guys may have more options than they realize. Better start saving those pennies now!
BEG & PLEAD:
If subtle hints aren’t getting through to the man/woman of you’re dreams, cut to the chase. Begging is not encouraged, but if you have to—by all means, let the whining begin. You may get the pity points you’ve been looking for.
Happens everyday. You see it everywhere: “I thought you broke up with him…” Well, guess what? They probably did break up, but they still have animal-like tendencies.
FRIENDS HELP FRIENDS get laid. If you have to jump into the sack with your best bud, there are a few rules you should follow: no kissing, no talking, and some even recommend rubber gloves. I’ve never followed these rules, but then again, it makes sense if you don’t want to get attached.
UPPING YOUR ODDS
I believe that good things come to those who wait. However, by adjusting a few of your ordinary habits, you can increase your odds of jumping in the sack with someone and relieving that pesky feeling of being hard up.
1. Throw out any morals you may have
2. Drink heavily
3. Smile as if you’ve been laid in the last four months
4. Smile like you’re going to get laid in the next half hour
6. Keep friends near-by to verify if your standards have dropped too low
Hopefully these tips will be helpful to the confirmed population of sex seekers in our little mining town. If this doesn’t remedy the problem, fear-not, there’s always March. What happens in March? My friend Lizzie has big plans: “I think we should have a knock down, full-on, hip-grinding orgy in the spring.” And you’re all invited.
Questions? Comments? Marriage proposals? Send your useless, perverted words to firstname.lastname@example.org.