Utah: Any Questions?
by andrew haley
Where did it all begin?
Utah History really begins in 1812 at the Battle of Waterloo when Joseph Smith, a Cossack hashish addict, passed an avocado pit into a colander called the Orem and the Borem—hence the location and pedagogical theory of BYU.
Young Joseph thought the drippings from his magic colander bore a shocking resemblance to Greek, which he’d been taught as a young apprentice at Nikolo’s House of Sodomy for Spartan sailors, where he was a big hit because the clients thought he bore a shocking resemblance to a young Turk. Unfortunately, on translation, the inscription of fecal residue turned out to be the text of Fantastic Four, issue #2, and Marvel Comics sued. While awaiting trial in Cook County, Joseph Smith was assassinated by a jealous mob when Smith refused to be stink-fisted by anyone other than Louis Farrakan, whence the longstanding similarities between Islam and Mormonism.
Who were the Pioneers?
Men and Women who pushed all of their belongings across Illinois, Nebraska and Colorado in crude wooden handcarts because they had been told they would never have to sleep with their husbands and wives again if they survived.
Who are the Daughters of the Pioneers?
Squaws purchased in Lincoln who think they came over on the Mayflower.
Who was Brigham Young?
The first in a long line of Utahans who had a dream of making his fortune by building cheap, ugly houses and conning his relatives into buying them for outlandish prices. His moral stature was lauded by Mark Twain, who remarked on Young’s having given shelter to the 40 ugliest women in America.
Did Brigham Young really say, “This is the Place!”
Well...he really said, “That’s the spot!” to a group of admirers on their successfully aiding him in being penetrated by a mule. The “This is the Place Monument” marks the spot where the puddle of excreta, blood and mule jism dried to a hardened crust. Fry Sauce is Utah’s way of paying daily homage to this historic event.
Why are Utahans so weird?
Try fucking your kids for 150 years and see how smart your “great-grandchildren” are.
Is it true that Polygamy still exists in Utah?
Absolutely. In rural Utah, houses with run down Chevy pickup trucks parked on the lawn denote polygamous families. But hey, if you could fuck an endless supply of twelve-year-olds who cleaned up after you, did your laundry, did the cooking, and called you pa, wouldn’t you jump at the chance? In urban areas the practice is more concealed and tends to have different gender demarcations. They call it Boy Scouts.
How come it’s so hard to get a drink in this state?
Because they hate you and your kind. Because they know that fun is dangerous to theology. Because the entire state legislature, the Mormon leadership, and the leading pillars of civic society are two margaritas away from blurting out how fun it is to be ass-fucked with a shoe by a sixteen-year-old boy in a Nazi uniform.