NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure
to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition
to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We
would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should
stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What
you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed
that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be
best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armor (like nancies). We are hoping to get together
at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec
and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French
for "shit." 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day." 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for
Rule Change: A revision to the rules of golf is being sought which will
replace the traditional call of "fore." Once a player has hit an errant shot
he will be allowed to call "Gore" while the ball is still in flight. He can
then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this
until he is satisfied that the ball is going where he intended to hit it in
the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such
time the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation
to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule
was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach Fla. and the first
hole only took 7 days to complete!
A history professor from Uppsala Universitet in Sweden called to tell me
about an article she had read in which a Zimbabwe politician was quoted as
saying that children should study this event (the U.S. Presidential election)
closely for it shows that election fraud is not only a third world phenomena.
1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the third world
in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former prime minister,
and that former prime minister was himself the former head of that nation's
secret police (CIA). 2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular
vote but won based on some old colonial holdover (electoral college) from
the nation's pre-democracy past. 3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's
"victory" turned on disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother!
4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a district heavily
favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led thousands of voters to vote
for the wrong candidate. 5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised
caste, fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to
vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's candidacy.
6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste were intercepted
on their way to the polls by state police operating under the authority of
the self-declared winner's brother. 7. Imagine that six million people voted
in the disputed province and that the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only
327 votes. Fewer, certainly, than the vote counting machines' margin of error.
8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party opposed a
more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots in the disputed
province or in its most hotly disputed district. 9. Imagine that the self-declared
winner, himself a governor of a major province, had the worst human rights
record of any province in his nation and actually led the nation in executions.
10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared winner was
to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime positions on the
high court of that nation. None of us would deem such an election to be representative
of anything other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us,
I imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad tale
of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange elsewhere."