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Things that Never Happen on Star Trek

1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of the type it has encountered several times before.

2.The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote colony of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which turns out to be a familiar old life form wearing a funny hat.

4.The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick bay.

5.The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

6.Somebody takes a shuttle out and it doesnít explode or crash.

7.The shields of the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

8.The enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.

9. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Councilor Troiís position.

10.Picard hears the door chime and doesnít bother to say, ďcome.Ē

11.The warp engines start acting up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out again without intervention from the boy genius Wesley Crusher.

12. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

13.Spock isnít the only crewmember not affected by a new weapon / attack by an alien race, etc due to his darn green blood or bizarre Vulcan physiology and thus cannot save the day.

15 Things You'll Never Hear in the South

1. Letís wash the car.

2. Come to think of it, Iíll have a Heineken.

3. You canít feed that to the dog.

4. Here are my keys, Iím too drunk to drive.

5. Wrestlinís fake

6. Baby... Those jeans are too tight.

7. Donít tie it on top of the car.

8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

9. Trim the fat off that steak.

10. Whyíd you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?

11. Donít spray primer there...

12. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

13. I ainít riding with you unless both headlights work.

14. Itís January, take the Christmas lights down.

15. Checkmate!

Half Drunk

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

Back Off Lady

A middle aged woman stood watching a little boy standing on the curb, smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle of scotch. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she walked up to the lad and demanded, "why aren't you in school at this time of day?"

"Hell, lady, " said the boy, gulping from the bottle, "I'm only four years old."

Courtesy acme.com