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Ask Al

Mr. Al Koholic is a licensed drunk, and has many years of alcohol counseling experience. Al has been serving the public for over 20 years and heís finally come to Utah. If you have any liquor -related questions or anything intoxicating on your mind, write to Al at free@wildutah.net. Dear Abby has nothing on this guy.

Dear Al K.,
O.K., so Iíve been noticing how whenever my Psychology professor starts lecturing, I feel that I understand less and less what he is talking about. My friends and I have been throwing back the beer much harder lately and I heard that drinking beer can kill brain cells and make you dumber. Is the beer thing true, or do ya think it might be something else.
Thanks
Missing something

Dear Missing,
Actually no, moderate consumption of alcohol does not kill brain cells, it actually helps with the cognitive process. In fact, Iím drinking right now. I always have a drink when I read your letters. You say youíve been drinking a lot more lately, and in this case, yes, it does kill brain cells, but only the weak ones. So here again youíre getting smarter. Thatís the scientific view, now lets get down to the real issue. First of all, do you remember why you took Psychology? I remember why I did. Psych class is where all the chicks hang out. How can you possibly concentrate with all the mini skirts and tank tops? Donít fret this one; befriend one of these skirts and set-up a few study sessions. Youíll kill two birds, get a date and pass your class. Oh yeah, keep drinking; it can only help.

Dear Al,
With the current Terrorist activity what do you think the President does to keep calm and collected. I know if it were you, youíd mix a cocktail to ease the nerves and calmly make your decisions. Do you suppose Bush or any other Presidents indulged in the forbidden nectar during their administrations?
I Wonder

Dear Wonder,
Why of course the President sips a few back. Heís a Texas hillbilly, thatís the only way they know how to calm the nerves. In fact, not only did George Washington drink, but he, along with Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, enjoyed brewing and distilling their own alcohol beverages. And Washington insisted that his troops receive a daily ration of beverage alcohol. You see, the most distinguished of individuals know and enjoy the benefits of alcohol. Iíll bet even God himself has a frothy beverage now and again.