1. Let’s wash the car.
2. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
3. You can’t feed that to the dog.
4. Here are my keys, I’m too drunk to drive.
5. Wrestlin’s fake
6. Baby… Those jeans are too tight.
7. Don’t tie it on top of the car.
8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
9. Trim the fat off that steak.
10. Why’d you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?
11. Don’t spray primer there…
12. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
13. I ain’t riding with you unless both headlights work.
14. It’s January, take the Christmas lights down.
15. Checkmate!
Half Drunk
A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”
The man replies, “I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.”
Back Off Lady
A middle aged woman stood watching a little boy standing on the curb, smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle of scotch. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she walked up to the lad and demanded, “why aren’t you in school at this time of day?”
“Hell, lady, ” said the boy, gulping from the bottle, “I’m only four years old.”