Based on the results of a study done by epidemiologists at the National Center for Disease Control (NCDC) in Atlanta, President Bush has called on lawmakers to enact sweeping legislation to control the production, distribution and marketing of bread.
The results of the NCDC study were published in this month’s edition of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and the implications of the study suggest that American bread consumers are at great risk:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score average or below average on standardized intelligence tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
10. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit. The levels of heat required to produce bread can kill an adult in less than one minute and are a major occupational health risk.
11. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling or inference.
In light of these frightening statistics, President Bush has proposed the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Bread” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools and mandatory minimum prison sentences for those caught trafficking bread in these designated areas.
6. No cartoon characters are to be used in bread advertisements.