Here we are again! It’s time to celebrate our great nation’s independence by getting real drunk and blowing shit up! And since we live in Utah, we get to do it twice!
I think Pioneer Day doesn’t really need to be celebrated anymore. Back in the day, the pioneers were celebrating being able to have ten wives who would shut the hell up when you told them to. That’s something to celebrate! Now you can’t even have two wives without getting arrested, and even if you do, they’ll never shut up when you tell them to.
Be that as it may, any excuse to party is a good one. We here at Wild Utah know that most of you are responsible, at least semi-intelligent folks with the best of intentions, but we also know that after that fourth Tequila shot and the hallucinogens that inevitably follow, even the best of us turn in to slobbering idiots. When all that good sense goes right out the window, it’s a good idea to have a solid set of fireworks rules for everyone to follow.
Find a nice clear area to light your fireworks in. If you can set up somewhere with a clear shot at that damn yappy dog of your neighbors, so much the better.
Always make sure that there is plenty of liquid around to extinguish whatever you light on fire while you stagger around like an asshole with that sparkler. We have done a lot of experimentation with this one, and have found that Olympia beer works best—after all it is water. Make sure you have at least a case at all times.
Make sure your underwear is not acrylic! Synthetic underwear has a tendency to melt to your nuts when you are trying to piss out the lawn fire that got out of hand because you ignored #2 and switched to liquor too early.
This one is important: Utah fireworks suck! Not only do they not really entertain, they are dangerous! Have you ever tried to shoot a fountain at a friend to get his attention? There has been much loss of eyebrow hair because of this stupid ban on all of the fun fireworks. Wyoming is just an hour drive. Don’t be lazy! They’ll sell anything short of a full stick of dynamite up there, and any asshole can tape ten M-70s together and get the same effect.
Avoid confusion: If you are having a bottle rocket war in the back yard, stick to bottle rockets. Roman candles can be very distracting and can destroy your night vision, making that little old lady walking her poodle by your back yard look just like your loony friend who comes to all your barbecues in full combat fatigues with a full carton of black cat Destroyer bottle rockets.
Pretending to have had your eye blown out to get your friends close enough to drop a firecracker down someone’s pants is cheating!! If you really want to scorch someone’s ass, proper etiquette demands that you run them down on foot, tackle them, and stuff that thing the hard way. It would probably be a good idea to look at #3 one more time.
In these times of severe drought, try to avoid roman candle wars. If it looks like roman armed conflict is inevitable, go inside. Structural fires are much better for roasting marshmallows. You are already wasted, you don’t want to have to watch the wind direction too closely.
If these seven easy steps are followed, Wild Utah guaranties that your fourth and twenty fourth will be safe and fun!¹
Footnotes: 1.Wild Utah does not guarantee anything of the sort. 2.For the Park City Police department: I do not condone any of the aforementioned appalling behaviors; I have only one wife and Dustin Sturges is just a penname.