from the “Nuts” archive
Ah, Love… The most beautiful, enriching, enticing, mindboggling, terrifying, overused, misunderstood experience of all time. Listen to the song lyrics… “How will I know when it’s love? I can’t tell you but it lasts forever.” See? Even Sammy doesn’t have a clue, except for his using it as a time-frame.
“Honey, it’s almost love. We gotta go!”
Here again, love can’t be described as a feeling. How can you put love on the same level as happy, or hungry or distraught? It’s more of a mix of every possible feeling. And it’s true, you can’t tell when it’s love. You don’t know until you see the vivid signs of reality obliteration.
With the coming of Spring, loving will abound. The animals awake from their winter slumber, and begin an unconscious search for mates. We are not excluded from this phenomenon. Hereafter is a small checklist to help you know whether or not you’re wearing the rose-colored glasses. So if any of these sound familiar, “You gotta go!” (We’ll use ‘Chris’ as the non-specific-gendered and anatomically vague loved one.)
-If you find yourself desperately trying to keep your mind off Chris…You gotta go!
-If you find yourself staring at a picture of Chris for some time… you gotta go!
-If you find yourself writing Chris’s name or the word “love” on anything… get outta here.
-If you write a bad check for any reason to do with Chris… lock the door.
-If you have time set aside in your day-planner for Chris… see ya!
-If you take up nude rock climbing because it’s Chris’s favorite… Git!
-If you can’t remember you best friend’s name… pack your bags!
-If you think Chris is the best-looking person around… You’re sadly mistaken. (And it wouldn’t be right for me to say who is)
-If you listen closely to the lyrics of songs and say, “No way! That’s exactly how I feel!..” sorry.
-If you call Chris, instead of your parents, when you’re sick or feeling blue… the only cure is death.
After endless aggravation and pain from his girlfriend, my old roommate told me he was going to write a thesis on how love is just a psychosis solicited by society’s norms. He claimed people just trick themselves into thinking they’re in love. I thought it was a neat idea.
Then after minimal exploration, he found that many people have written many books with the same premise.
Think about it for a minute. You can’t really tell if you’re in love. You do and say dumb things. You’ll even pay for it with money you don’t have. Sounds to me like drugs. Want me to go on?
Denial- “No man. I’m not in love.”
Lack of attention- “I wonder what Chris is doing?”
Depression- “I haven’t seen him in a week” (Which also ties into withdrawal).
And a few others, like weight loss, shakiness, tardiness and hallucinations.
So take my advice and pull yourself together. Be independent. Be a winner. Show the world you think for yourself and… SAY NO TO LOVE!