Church President Becomes Jewish
by al fonzarelli
In a stunning appearance on the Larry King show, Mormon Church President Gordon B. Hinckley explained his long absence from the public eye as a result of his recent discovery that he is a Jew.
Rumors of Hinckley’s health were laid to rest last night as the unflappable and vibrant Mormon Church president appeared on the Larry King show. Hinckley, who had not been seen in public for nearly two years, arrived at King’s New York City studio sporting a beard, orthodox Hasidic garments, and an M-16 rifle he brought from Israel after serving two years in the Kfar Aza Kibbutz mission.
According to Hinckley his exodus to Judaism began about two years ago. Apparently Hinckley, an avowed genealogy hobbyist, was doing some family archiving at his home on a Saturday afternoon. While rummaging through the attic he came upon some legal documents belonging to his grandfather, Ira Nathaniel Hinckley.
The documents were court filings on behalf of Hinckley’s grandfather to change his legal name from Hinklestein to Hinckley. Hinckley also discovered his grandfather’s birth certificate that says Ira Nathaniel Hinklestein was born to Samuel Hinklestein and Sarah Wypycki in Lomza, Poland.
Also discovered were records of his grandfather’s bar mitzvah, a Torah, and several unmailed letters from Ira Hinklestein to his family in Poland explaining how he changed his last name to avoid detection and persecution in the unsettled Western frontier by “bloodthirsty Mormons.”
Hinckley, an orphan by the age of nine, was never aware of his Jewish ancestry.
Hinckley undertook his mission to learn more of Judaism with the humility, zeal and determination characteristic of all his life’s many accomplishments.
After two years of introspection, praying and fighting the enemies of Zion on the kibbutz, Hinckley says “I am confident Heavenly Father oftentimes leads us to the truth on a beguiling, bewildering and bedeviling path. And truth is the pearl of great price.”
How Hinckley’s revelation will effect the church’s 11 million members was unclear, but Hinkley left little doubt about who is still in charge.
Hinckley released a proclamation that includes sweeping changes in Church Doctrine and Covenants to include looser restrictions on the consumption of caffeine and alcohol, prohibition of pork and other non-kosher products, mandatory circumcision of all priesthood holders, and the relocation of church headquarters from Salt Lake City to Brooklyn, New York.
Hinckley also dissolved the Quorum of the Presidency and renamed the church “The Church of Moses of Latter-day Saints.” Hinckley was eager to distance himself from statements he made earlier on the Larry King show that aired on September 8, 1998:
Larry King: How about the wealth—why is your church so wealthy? I mean $5.9 billion.
Gordon B. Hinckley: Well, I don’t know about that figure, but we get along. We have enough to take care of what we need to do. The financial law of the church is the law of tithing. It goes back to the Old Testament.
Larry King: They give—all the church members...
Gordon B. Hinckley: Ten percent is expected of our people and they pay it faithfully.
Larry King: And the money is used how? When people hear that much money and they associate it with religion they often think of why does a religion, any faith, have to raise funds?
Gordon B. Hinckley: We have to build many buildings. As this church grows we have to accommodate our people. We’ll finish or dedicate 600 new buildings this year. That’s a tremendous undertaking. We maintain Brigham Young University, the largest private church sponsored University in America.
Hinckley clarified these statements to King, “Larry now that I am Jewish, the church must prepare itself for many changes. After all, we are the lost tribe of Israel so why distance ourselves from our brothers in the Middle East? I am a uniter not a divider. But I can tell you this, the way we handle money is going to change big-time. The use of church tithing revenue and other proceeds will be subject to a more divine and time honored tradition of incorporating God in the decision making process. Each month we are going to take all the money and throw it up in the air, and what God wants He will keep, and what comes down is ours. We trust God will be just in this process.”
Apostle Dallin Harris Oaks, a member of the Church’s Council of the 12 and former Utah State Supreme Court Justice, plans to challenge Hinckley’s authority in this matter by filing a complaint for injunctive relief with the Third District Court of Salt Lake County.
Hinklestein told King and his viewers, “Not for nothing Larry, I know how brother Oaks and the other apostles feel. I would feel the same way too. But I am Jewish. God in His mercy and wisdom has saw fit to lead me to the church presidency and not even the council can undo God’s will. Look, Larry, the wife and I would like to have you over for Hanukkah this year. I’ve got a vintage bottle of Manischewitz I’ll be keeping on ice. And Larry, make sure you bring that cute little shikse wife of yours. Oy! ~ ~ If I were a rich man, Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum. All day long I’d biddy biddy bum, If I were a wealthy man. I wouldn’t have to work hard Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum If I were a biddy biddy rich Deedle daidle deedle daidle man . . ~~”
Both sides promise to appeal any unfavorable ruling from the district court to the Utah Supreme Court.