The Story of Kiki and the Raggot
Though outrageously funny, the story of Kiki and the Raggot is nothing new. Wild Utah has been unable to confirm or dispute the validity of the story, the name of its author, or the accreditation of its first run publication. A simple search engine peek into the word "Raggot" returns countless websites that probably violate a legitimate copyright by running this story. Scores of these websites begin the piece with "This is an actual article from the LA Times..." We contacted the L.A. Times Syndicate, requesting the reproduction rights to the work for the Wild Utah issue in your hand. Trisha Montecinos replied to us with a short letter stating that the L.A. Times does not own the rights to the work, does not know who controls them currently, and has no forwarding address for the creator of the work. We, too, are probably violating a copyright by printing this piece. We do so for your benefit. Therefor, in the spirit of Alfred Hitchcock, here is The Story of Kiki and the Raggot
This is an actual article from the LA Times...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomazewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomazewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.", he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomazewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomazewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Editor's Notes : Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."
9. "So I peered in to the tube ...".(I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey in Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube ..."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief ? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People names "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up his butt."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.