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Martha's Somethin'

You should go out and buy this great satirical book called, "Martha Stewart's Better Than You At Entertaining." Martha's such an easy target. She's so nauseatingly witty with all things domestic that we feel stupid just making a snowman.

"Did you see Martha Stewart's snowman? It's name is Hans. It greets people outside the door… with appetizers… in Swiss-German."

It's amazing to see what kind of clever debris she'll come up with next. Christmas ornaments made out of old plumbing fixtures… Cute little garden accents crafted from turkey giblets… Dog blankets hewn from an unclaimed corpse at the morgue…

And the fetish with crafts is just the beginning. Martha Stewart loves to expound on upper-crust culture. She blesses the general public with her deep knowledge of things like architecture, travel and wine.

Wine in particular gives Martha a chance to sound human. But she blows it by saying, "Think of words to describe a wine's aroma, then take a sip and swish it around in your mouth. This will allow you to explore its nuances…" Wouldn't you like her so much more if she said something down to earth like, "Pound the first glass as fast as you can; I promise that one of the next nine will start to taste good."

Martha tries to sound charming by telling us that a wine steward is actually called a "sommelier." What's wrong with calling him "the wine guy?" We're probably not going to call him anything unless he has his Utah-mandated nametag on. Just imagine, "Oh Sommelier, we'd love a bit more bordeaux. Please inform our garcon that the Bourguignonne needs a few more duxelles, and have the maitre d' throw out that bourgeois horse's ass drinking chablis." Martha's preference for pretense overpowers any good information. Even old man Mondavi is probably saying, "I beg you to please shut the hell up."

And though Martha does possess some creative juice (eew, that's not a pleasant visual), and though she has the ability to invent things like bagel candelabras and hide-a-key's out of dog crap, let's entertain a thought. What if Martha Stewart lived on the Wasatch Front?

Martha has several career options here. There's plenty of medium here for her to manufacture those dog waste trinkets. She could even have a little shop in Park City on Main Street (call it "Refuse to Discard" ??).

Maybe she could try to harness that creative energy into something like development planning. I know it sounds wacko, but she can plan the heck out of a bar mitzvah; who's to say she couldn't help prune the foreskins of Summit County?

Or how about a seat on the Division of Alcohol Beverage Control? She could be the one person on the board that drinks. All the others could make jokes behind her back; they would say things like, "I need to sample that," or "Just send it to me. I can test it at home."

OK, maybe not. If Martha lived here, she would probably sink like a stone once she found out about Utah's brown bag law. And honestly, I have a gut feeling that Martha prefers valium to liquor anyway.