The Badtimes Virus
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
If you receive an e-mail with a subject of “Badtimes,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most viscous and dangerous e-mail virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
Badtimes will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your petrol tank and shave off both your eyebrows.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their restaurant rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t find it.
It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase High School kids with your new snowblower.
These are just a few of the signs... Be very careful!
And if you don’t warn at least 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
