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Things that Get my Panties in a Twist

by allison calder

Wanna know what torques me? What gets my panties in a twist? Welcome to my March bitchfest. Lucky for me, I get to complain in print. So sit back and hold on to your hats and glasses while I share my beef. Coming in at number 1 is:

Jazz flags on cars What’s with those? I have news…no matter how nice your car is, as soon as you roll that flag up in your window, you’ve boarded a one-way, non-stop flight to Whitetrashville.

Roommates Everyone knows where I’m going with this one. Even if they’re the nicest people on the planet, everyone’s roommates bug at some point.

Figuring out Utah State Taxes Who the hell designed this system? You have to use some crazy formula that’s way too complicated. I’m sure next year you’ll have to stand on one leg and figure it with your eyes closed.

Feminine product commercials WHY do they advertise? It’s not like we have a choice to use them or not. It’s not a food to like or not like. WE HAVE NO CHOICE! And why is the water always blue in the commercials?

My boyfriend’s ex-wife Trust me on this one—besides it’s my list.

UTA The Utah Transit Authority can’t seem to make it through the impenetrable force field that is Parley’s Canyon. Not a problem: they can go to Ogden and south to who knows where. But NO WAY JOSÉ are they going through that canyon to Sin City.

Windshield wiper over-users It’s okay to have your wipers on high when it’s actively raining, but the over-user keeps them on, even when the rain has stopped, and they’re making that awful scraping sound on the windshield. When questioned, the over-user typically makes some defensive remark about how it’s still misting, or there’s water coming off the road.

The Century 16 movie theater Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice theater, BUT it bugs the hell out of me that I can never find a place to park. Then, I have to wait f-o-r-e-v-e-r in line to get a ticket, that is, if the movie hasn’t sold out while I’ve been waiting. By the time I get the ticket, inevitably the theater is already full so I have to sit in the front and watch while getting a kink in my neck. Anyone who’s been there feels my pain.

Runners-up non-blinker users, people that leave their blinker on continually, political correctness, pushy people, mean people and finally—people that don’t like Wild Utah.