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Gassy Girls

by sky

If this is your first time reading this column - shame on you! If you’re back for more… remember, this column is about chicks but is free to be read by all genders and sexual preferences. Buckle up, and enjoy. Send your hot hot hot comments to sky@wildutah.net.

flat-u-lence n. 1. The presence of excessive gas in the digestive tract.

Warning: There are women roaming the earth trying to convince the general public that they would not and could not produce a foul smell from within their sugar sweet bodies. Fine.

Warning #2: There are women on this planet who would much rather “let it all go” in your presence.

Passing gas, cutting the cheese, dropping an f-bomb, ripping one— call it what you want, but farts are a part of everyday life for men and women. How shall thou deal with the foul smell and sometimes obvious sound of flatulence? This question, like many others, has no one answer. Whether you choose to hide it, or showcase your farts, this article will shed some light on a stinky and inescapable bodily function for all genders.

Strategies for Concealing: If you must hide it, you have several options. In public places like grocery stores, movie theaters and shopping malls, I recommend “crop dusting.” Simply unload and move on. Whoever comes to the drop site will be blamed and surprised. The old phrase, “Whoever smelt it dealt it” just isn’t always true. Be advised that not all farts are “crop dusting” material. Some will leave residual scents around you—these are the dreaded “farts that follow.”

Too Close for Comfort: It happens—the need to let one out at the most inopportune moment. Perhaps the best advice here is to stay out of the bedroom until you’re cleared out. If this does not work and you’re actually in the sack with your lover, well, you’re on your own. That’s the danger zone. Just remember: if it’s trapped under the covers (in the “dutch oven”), there’s no way out. It will escape in the end, hot and fresh.

Ranking the Rancid: There’s this couple I know who have no apprehension about identifying and even categorizing farts. The categorization is specifically for the girl’s foul releases. Yes, she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Yes, her emissions are the worst I’ve ever witnessed. They have agreed to share their basic rating system for this article.

Each “incident” is ranked for its overall strength and power by a number between one and ten. A letter is also issued, addressing the varying levels of uniqueness that numbers couldn’t do justice.

For instance, an E-4 signifies a vaguely sulfuric smell, much like an egg along with the 4 ranking—meaning you might survive. If this were an E-10, you may not live to tell about it. You are encouraged to develop your own system with your own categories. But, if you have no creativity, check this out, and you’ll get the idea.
S = Synthetic: something that smells like it couldn’t have been created by anything organic.
E = Sulfuric, egg-like odor
B = The smell of brown
A = Acid meaning it burns as bad as it smells

Honesty: The Best Policy? When is it OK to pass gas in the presence of your significant other? Surprisingly, many men like it when their women pass gas in front of them. “It leaves the door open for me to be myself around her - in every way,” said one of my male pals. So if his girl has gas, that means he has permission to have body odor, bad breath and a scruffy face. What more could a guy ask for?

As for women, honesty is good for your health. If you hold in a fart, it can and will cause health problems. One friend said she used to hold in all of her gaseous emissions. “I didn’t want to fart in front of my husband,” she told me. Months down the road, she thought she had appendicitis. Not so. Instead, she had trapped all the gas inside, creating one of the most painful experiences of her life and an embarrassing trip to the hospital.

Fuel for the Fire: What makes girls fart? A variety of foods—and it’s different for everyone. But, generally speaking, these seem to make most “top ten” lists of danger foods: Breakfast sausage, mass quantities of cherries, raisins, bean products, spicy & peppery foods, and all German beers.

Timing’s Everything: Many women report getting a bad case of gas a few weeks/days before their period. You know, a little friendly reminder from Mother Nature that they’re about to bleed for five days. This is a good time for ladies to be alone. No need to kill the guy you’re dating.

Hot Air: Most ladies will attempt to be considerate, and slightly discrete when it comes to the passing o’ the gas. This is a sure fire way to deal with hot air. As long as we get some forgiveness, laughter and a fair ranking (like, say a B-3) from our male counterparts, we’ll be honest. Besides, if flatulence is our biggest flaw, maybe it’s still fair to say we’re perfect.