Untitled Document

The Glossary Of Daniel

by tommy kirchhoff

Apprentice, The: Daniel put the deals together for the TV show, “The Apprentice,” plus all the Verizon and Chrysler commercial advertising. Daniel calls The Donald “The Supermodel with the Worst Hair” and has tried painstakingly to get him to change his hairstyle for many years. Daniel is currently trying to put together a deal to let the Fab Five from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” do a makeover on The Donald. Daniel’s getting some resistance.

Aspen: A very expensive and elegant ski town in the Rocky Mountains. It is the kind of place that fosters juvenile behavior, addiction, and unsurpassed freedom of lifestyle. Daniel conducts a surprising amount of business for himself here, and flies over to Utah to ski whenever he gets the chance. see also Fun.

Bul**hit: The most critical part of business decision-making. The entrepreneur must assess cues from people, markets and situations to decide whose full of it, and when to call “Bul**it.” Daniel’s skill in this area is Second only to his older brother’s.

Chilean Sea Bass: The name of Daniel’s restaurant. It is the most expensive restaurant in town, and world-renowned for its over-fished specialty of namesake. Furs are required attire; food is served on exquisite rainforest hardwood tables and plates; and the restaurant has a smoking section, but it costs $1000 extra to sit there. It’s fabulous.

Donald, The: Donald Trump. Older brother of Daniel. Some business connection may exist.

Environment: Daniel is taking some strategic losses on clean air lobbying, a mining reclamation project, and wilderness preservation in Alaska and Utah. While these decisions give Daniel tax breaks, they are based on Daniel’s personal commitment to environmentalism. Every day, Daniel wakes up and says, “Let’s keep it green.”

Exceptions: Daniel believes there are exceptions to every rule, and that relationships, business, and all actions require great flexibility. While most people believe you shouldn’t ‘burn your bridges,’ Daniel has recently begun to reply to that cliché with “you wouldn’t want to be associated with Omarosa, would you?”

Fired: While this may be an exciting and powerful part of The Apprentice, Daniel never fires people; instead, he acts in respect and political correctness by asking for an immediate resignation. This method has never failed him.

Fun: The major division between Dan and Don. Daniel’s business creates a great deal of free time, in which he gets to seriously screw around. While Donald maintains he really enjoys the pursuit of business and making money, Daniel insists that it’s not the same kind of fun as skiing, fishing or even shopping. Each brother believes the other is wasting his life.

Girlfriend: Daniel dates a lot, and feels a feint hollowness from not having that certain someone to care for and care for him. He’s on the lookout for a sweet little buttercup with whom he can sit and watch ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ talk about Dorothy, and make glb little comments. Until that day comes, Daniel’s just fishing.

Greed: While there are many gradations between greed and selflessness, Daniel is very content to make only two or three million each year. Much of this revenue comes from old investments his father left him. see also Inheritance

Hypocracy: Daniel is an environmentalist, but he’s also a land developer. Daniel recycles, but he also owns a foam injection company which produces a fair amount of waste and pollution. Can anyone in this world really make decisions without hypocracy?

Inheritance: Ugly capital conflict; money that makes you instantly rich, but someone close to you must die in order for you to receive it. It’s much easier to start rich and make money than to gain much from nothing. Both brothers inherited a great deal of money. See also hypocracy.

Lawyers: The sociopathic capitalists who make this country both great and shameful. Daniel loves them and he hates them.

Marketing: High-risk experimentation that can lead to the discovery of revenue. Once revenue is found, Daniel says, “follow the money.”

Money: If making money were easy, everyone would be doing it.