“EXTERMELY BILLY”
by sky
…all characters in this article are real, and only some of the names have been changed.
You’ve met him, dated him, and dumped him. Don’t do it again, or you’ll get another beener for your birthday.
Some call it a wide spread epidemic that is hitting small mountain towns the hardest. Hundreds of this specific male breed have been overpopulating areas like Aspen, Tahoe, and of course, Park City for years. These men are elusive, they try not to shower, and they sprinkle their limited vocabulary with terms such as: glissade, cravasse, retundo, and dude.
If you’ve lived here long, you’ve most likely slept with a few, and maybe even tried to have a relationship with one. Whether his name is Extremely Bryan, Extremely Joe, or Extremely Ryan – he’s the same man deep down. He has limited communication skills, which is why he spends the majority of his free time with elements that don’t talk well either. Next to rock, ice, water, snow and dirt, he’s a regular conversationalist.
How do you know you’re in the sack with “extreme guy?” If one or all of these have happened to you…
You got a fly fishing vest for Valentine’s Day.
You know the back of his ass (from a distance) better than any other part of his body from trying to keep up with him for months…
Vacations are contests.
Everything is a contest.
He doesn’t share his orange with you.
You find yourself at the top of a mountain or bottom of a canyon – where you never wanted to be in the first place – alone, and you know he’s not waiting, just congratulating himself on his performance
7. You met each other at one of the following: A Phish concert, in line at REI, Ray’s Tavern, the Bit and Spur in Zions, the Mangy Moose in Jackson, Nepal, or in physical therapy.
Men who can do things are great. Men who can do things well are good too. It’s the attitude that comes with “Extreme Guy” that no one needs. “Dude, Did you see me? I was flat spinning in that hole, and it was so sick…” or “It’s all crimpers and slopers and there’s no big fat jugs.” Blah, blah, blah.
Extereme Guy has usually had a laundry list of injuries - broken collar bone, hyper extended thumbs, and blown out knees. Crutches accompany mounds of gear in closets, in the garage and his bedroom. 9 out of 10 Extreme Guys have a dog, and that dog’s name is in some way related to the Grateful Dead. You know, Bertha, Jerry, China Cat, Althea, etc.
Ladies, if you choose to embark on an Extreme Relationship – here are a few tips: 1. never complain 2. never ever compete 3. never care 4. and remember, you’ll never be as good as he is – if you get close, you’ll get dumped.
Let’s keep one thing straight – not every guy who is into outdoor adventures is an Extreme Dick. Quite the contrary. You know who you are. If you have no patience, and not enough generosity to give your gal an orange wedge… well, then, you’re sick dude. I mean it.
