Untitled Document

Kiss Off

by sky

First-timer? Buckle up. This is Chick Chat. It’s a column designed to make you heave, laugh, and masturbate. All comments have been appreciated – and more are welcome. You could become famous if we print your letter. Just e-mail: sky@wildutah.net.

The time has come to address an issue nearly all men and women have encountered sometime during their sexual pursuits: bad kissing. For men, it may be an obstacle to getting laid. For women, it most often means a first and last date.

Guys, listen up. We chicks take kissing seriously. You could be not-so-charming and not-so-good looking, but if you’re talented with the lips and tongue – it’s possible for you to knock it out of the park sooner rather than later.

As always, Sky has done a fair amount of research on this topic. It seems most men encountering a bad female kisser try to move on to something a little more hot and heavy. No, the bad kisser doesn’t hinder the pending activities. Instead, it signals that kissing won’t be the main meal for the night.(see footnote)

Women tend to be immediately turned-off by a bad kisser. I’ve heard on several occasions, “I really like him. I mean, he’s cute, he’s got a great body, he’s funny and rich, but he slobbers!” End of relationship. Sorry boys.

Keep in mind, both genders can be trained. But training takes patience and hope.

Ladies, as horrifying as this is—let’s remember that kissing for many men is just “clock time.” That’s what my friend Jon told me. It’s just a matter of minutes before they’re getting what they really want. So, if you can find someone who appreciates the art of kissing, hold onto them for the ride. Guys, cool off and find an ounce of sensitivity—there are a lot of things you can do with two mouths. Trust us.

Meantime, sit back, relax, and read on. I’m sure there’s someone you’ve smashed lips with that will fit into one or (heaven forbid) all of these categories:

THE TONGUE PUSHER: this person thinks “leading with the tongue” is somehow inviting to their mate. Think again. Your tongue is not an inter-galactic docking implement.

THE SLOBBERER: When you have to wear a bib after making out—or feel you need a napkin following a smooch… it’s a problem.

THE STIFF LIP: OK folks, relax; kissing should be a leisure sport, not an order from the Marines. Chill out and for god sakes, suck down a doobie if that’s what it takes.

THE LIP BITER: Not as common, but just as frightening as the tongue pusher. This category can be painful. Best advice: recoil and run. It’s not worth it.

THE FRENZIED TONGUE: Operating like a lizard, this kissing bandit has the skill and expertise to jab, swizzle, and recoil their tongue in mere seconds. Can they be retrained? Possibly, but only by the Crocodile Hunter.

THE TEETH CRASHER: OK, sometimes this happens in moments of passion, so we accept it. But in other cases, the instigator needs to calm the hell down and back off. Let’s not chip a tooth here.

(footnote) A handful of sensitive males were also interviewed for this piece, and say that kissing is important to them, and that they might not do a girl who can’t kiss. How sweet. Ladies, there may be hope.