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Political Philosophy Explained With Cows

Provided by Acme Funny Files

Feudalism You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need.” Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.

Cambodian Communism You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarianism You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmentalism You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Mormonism You have two cows. You give ten percent of your milk to the church. You and all your neighbors’ cows are serviced by the same bull.