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My Letter to Santa
Ladies and local hotties... it’s been way, way too long, and Sky is ready for a steamy winter.... but first a little letter to the big hunk in the red suit.
First of all, I want you to know how fine you are. Fine because you’re big and warm and you’re comfortable enough with your manliness to wear that gay red suit. You are also considered a great catch by women throughout the galaxy. Why? Because we know we can count on you for things we so intensely need.
Mr. Kringle, I am writing this note on behalf of the single, ski town women in Utah. Let’s put it this way— it was a loooooong hot summer. We’re ready to rumble. We’ve been VERY good. We’ve gone to work, saved a little cash, practiced our tele turns, tried to be nice to old bald men hitting on us, tried not to have sex with total losers, and now we want our due reward. I don’t think we’re asking for a lot here.
I’ll even break it down for you: we don’t need any fragrant soaps, new skis, down jackets, candles, thongs, roses or any of that material shit (although it would be nice). We do need attention, someone fun, someone hot; some man who is good in the sack who we can still introduce to friends and not get embarrassed. Please do not deny us what we really want in our stockings this year. No, he doesn’t have to come down the chimney; deliver these men to deserving women however you choose. We know you have elves who are single, smart, funny and don’t always wear those cheesy, fem green getups. We’d be happy to give them cookies, milk and other services not typically mentioned in Christmas bedtime stories.
Also, if you need help delivering any last minute packages, I know some drunk dudes in O’Shuck’s who would probably help out on the eve of X-mas. Or, if you need a little servicing yourself, may I suggest Harry O’s on a Saturday night. There’s usually some cute Mormon girls who will at least turn your “you know what’s” a lovely shade of blue for the evening. Plus, you don’t have to lie to Mrs. Claus.
I apologize for rambling… but it’s just been so long since I’ve been allowed to write a column that would be printed and read by real people in our little cute town of Park City... Oh yes, that reminds me: this is the first issue of Wild Utah to hit the stands in ALMOST ONE YEAR!!! If I could ask for one more itty bitty thing, it would be that you would deliver some advertisers to Wild Utah who aren’t afraid of a little scathing humor, Mormon-bashing, free-thinking, semi-scandolous, truthful, blunt articles such as this.
Pleeeeeeaaaase Santa, work that magic: deliver the dudes, keep the few chicks in this town happy, and keep the Wild Utah presses a-runnin’. It may seem like a long list — but it’s definitely shorter than the pile of 3.2 beers it takes to get a buzz on.